


Ze Von Series

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2001-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:13:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Fox Mulder
Collections: TER/MA





	1. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).

  
**Ze Von I Love I**

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"Still awake, Agent Krycek?"

"Mmm? Sorry, Mulder. I just can't seem to get to sleep."

"Still bothered by shooting Augustus Cole? Look, it's perfectly normal to—"

"Mulder, I know you're the bright psych boy, but would you please just shut up? Sir."

"Krycek—"

"Okay, if you want to comfort me, fine. Come here."

"What—Agent Krycek! What are you doimmmph..."

"Oh, yeah. Sweet, sweet mouth. Let's try that again. This time with feeling."

"Mmph! Mmmmph—Mmm. MmmmmMMmmmm..."

"You like that, Mulder? So oral... Hey, if you like that, I've got an even bigger idea. I mean better."

"Agent Kr— Mmm."

"Oh, yeah. Take it deeper. Yeah, that's it. God, yeah."

"Mmm!"

"Oh—Oh, God, Mulder! Oh God oh God oh—Oh! Oh!"

"Mmmhh—"

"Oh, yeah. Swallow it, Mulder. Swallow every fucking drop. Oh, God!"

"Mmm. Taste so good..."

"Ahhh..."

"Agent Krycek!"

"Mulder?"

"Young man, let me remind you that I'm the senior agent here."

"Huh?"

"Your behavior tonight has been _highly_ unprofessional."

"Sir?"

"Agent Krycek, as the SAC in this case, I'm afraid it's my responsibility to address your insubordination as it deserves. Come here."

"Uh—Yes, sir! You gonna ream me out?"

"Maybe. If you beg."

"Man, talk about getting on a guy's case..." 

* * *

Summary: M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.  
Feedback can be sent to [email removed]   
Web Site <http://avalon.net/~nonie/slash.html>  
---


	2. Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von I Love II**

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"That's the last time I ask _you_ for help, Krycek. Fucking gulag!"

"And that's the last time I offer you any. This was your idea, Mulder."

"So how the hell do we get out of here? Make a big diplomatic fuss? Try to fight our way out? Pity we don't have anything worth bribing with."

"Yeah. I mean, they want our Levis, they can just take 'em.— Look, Mulder, I think I've got a plan. Just trust me."

"Suuure. Damn, I'm c-cold..."

"No shit."

"Krycek, you cocksucker—!"

"Well, yeah. And a pretty good one. I'm touched that you remember."

"Krycek!"

"If you don't call me Alex, I'm not gonna share body heat."

"Yeah. Like it'd be just a favor to me. Like you're not freezing your ass off too."

"And you'd hate to see it go to waste, wouldn't you, Mulder."

"Hey, tight little muscular ass like yours doesn't have much insulation."

"Mulder, I'm shocked! Admiring the body of a despised traitor?"

"Yup. Come on, let's generate some heat. I hear you can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together..."

* * *


	3. The Envoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von I Love III**

The Envoy   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"Alex!"

"What?"

"This—this picture! From your wallet!"

"What the hell are you doing in my wallet? Investigative FBI stuff?"

"No, Alex, you left it in your pocket. In the laundry. And I was trying to find out what I could salvage from the waterlogged remains."

"Right. Okay, Mulder, guilty as charged."

"No shit. Guilty of THIS, though? Jesus!"

"Look, Mulder, I didn't—"

"Like hell you didn't."

"She didn't mean anything to me, Mulder. I told you, I don't like maneaters. Not even nordic blondes."

"Yeah, sure. So you've got her nude picture in your wallet because..."

"Blackmail. In case I ever need diplomatic help."

"Riiiiiiight. Help with what, Alex, your hard-on? If I'd have known you were laying the Ice Princess, I'd have used condoms. Or maybe Polarfleece. Jesus."

"Mulder, why are you so upset? You know I love you; you know I've had to do some pretty scummy things in the line of duty."

"That's pretty scummy, all right. Marita Do-the-Dirty-to-Me, or howeverthehell she pronounces it."

"Mulder, you're—My God, you're jealous. That's so sweet."

"I am NOT jealous! Why would I be jealous? She's off somewhere in a walk-in freezer for vacation, probably playing with a popsicle, and I'm right here with you. Doing this. And this, and this..."

"Then—uh!—why are you so—ummmm!—upset?"

"If you were fucking her, and now you're fucking me—"

"Being fucked _by_ you, Mulder, or hadn't you—ah!— noticed?

"If you've fucked us both, maybe I don't like your taste in lovers. I mean, Jesus, me and the Icicle. What does that say about me?"

"I'll tell you—oh!—oh!—what _I'll_ say about you if— Oh God!—you don't shut up about that bitch and start moving faster RIGHT NOW!"

"Quit yelling, Alex, or I'm gonna impound your diplomatic pouch."

"Okay, okay! Just—unh!—let's get on with this—ah!— investigative probe, shall we? 

* * *

Summary: M/K slash fluff snippet. Part of the Warren Zevon series, anywhere after "Werewolves of London."   
Feedback can be sent to [email removed]   
Web Site <http://avalon.net/~nonie/slash.html>  
---


	4. Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von and Only I**

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"Come back here, Mulder."

"Mmm."

"God, I don't believe I'm ready again. You're hot enough to raise the dead."

"Is that what you call it? The Dead? I'm sure Jerry Garcia would be thrilled."

"And what do you call yours, The Truth? 'Hey lady, the truth is in my pants.' "

"Very funny."

"Just don't get it shot off—well, you can shoot it off in me, lisitsa. But don't you DARE add this to the list of ruined equipment after one of your failed missions."

"God, you're a cheerful sort. Do you also brood in your vodka?"

"No, listen, Mulder, I know a guy it happened to once. A Norwegian hitman."

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Actually, he only lost the last inch; they got him to the hospital on time. They call him Stubby."

"Bullshit. I'll stubby you, you son of a bitch."

(A low chuckle, abruptly broken off.)

"All right, Alex, that should shut you up. But watch those teeth."

The End 

* * *


	5. Werewolves of London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von and Only II**

Werewolves of London   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"Sounds like Phoebe Green really did a number on you, Mulder."  
"Yeah. Look, I don't want to talk about it."  
"I know what you want. Roll over."  
"I'm not really in the mood."  
"Mulder, do you mind if I kill her a little bit?"  
"What? Of course I mind, you son of a bitch."  
"Damn. I don't like people who hurt you, and I've never been able to stand maneaters."  
"What do you call yourself then, Alex? I remember last night, even if you don't."  
"How could I forget? Come here, you."

The End 

* * *

[email removed] 


	6. Excitable Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  


**Ze Von and Only III**

Excitable Boy   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"I mean it, Mulder. Don't you dare get killed on me. Take better care of yourself or I'm gonna keep you permanently handcuffed to the bed."

"Mmm."

"You just don't care, do you? You're gonna walk right into that next shootout, that next mutant wasps' nest, that next UFO, as if you didn't care what happens to you at all. Well, I do, Mulder. And I'm damned if I want to go to your funeral."

"Stay away, then. See if I care."

"Damn it, Mulder! If you get yourself killed on me, I'm gonna dig you up and drop you on that smoking bastard's doorstep like a dead mouse."

"Now that's an idea. Maybe we should try it."

"Mulder...!"

  
The End 

* * *

[email removed] 


	7. Desperados Under the Eaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von VII**

Desperados Under the Eaves   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"As I sucked his cock on the streets of Laredo, As I sucked his cock in Laredo one day, I fisted a cowboy all dressed in black leather, All—Oh, hello, Mulder."

"Alex?!"

"Back here, behind the cooling unit. Put these on."

"Alex—"

"Hey, I even got you a white hat; I know you like to be a good guy. Let's hope your suspect isn't smart enough to figure out the hat."

"Alex, what the hell are you doing?"

"Mulder..."

"—mmph!—" 

"Now that I have your attention, I'll say this again in words of one syllable. Put. These. On. And. Then. Go. In. There. And. Dance."

"What!"

"You wanted me to keep an eye on the suspect; I've been doing that. Now it's your turn. But if you go in there in Armani you're going to stick out like a—um, sore thumb."

"But COWBOY CLOTHES?"

"It's a western bar, Mulder."

"But—"

"And if you learn to two-step I'll get you leather chaps someday."

"I say, you look like a leather chap to me already, don't you know."

"O God, Mulder, I love that accent. Do it again."

"It's our native... tongue."

"Alex?"

"Sorry, Mulder. I just realized you were speaking the Queen's English."

"Alex, it does NOT look like that kind of bar."

"Nope. So you're gonna have to go in there and give some nice western girl a thrill. They'll be falling all over themselves to teach you how to dance."

"Krycek, I am not going in there, and especially not in those clothes."

"What's wrong with these clothes? The great American west was won by brave men wearing—"

"Krycek, think about the manure duty Kersh has had us on. Cowboy clothes place only second to overalls in my list of the world's least sexy clothing."

"Really?"

"Alex, stop that."

"...Really?"

"O God, Krycek, is that vest as soft as it looks on you?"

"Touch it and find out."

"It's almost as soft as the skin under this silly shirt you're wearing... Were wearing..."

"Oh!"

"Do that again."

"Yes! Yes!"

"My God!"

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Yes..."

"Alex! My God, Alex!"

"Mul—" 

"Well."

"Oh, yeah. _Very_ well."

"Alex?"

"Yes, Mulder?"

"Give me back my clothes."

"Nope. You're going to put those on instead."

"I am NOT!"

"Flip you for it?"

"Flip you anytime, Alex—"

"Oh, yeah... Hey, if we do this again, maybe I'll get you some spurs."

* * *

[email removed] 


	8. Play It All Night Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M/K slash fluff snippet. Prequel to the Warren Zevon trilogy.

  
**Ze Von VIII**

Play It All Night Long   
by Nonie Rider 

  
"Hi, sailor, new in town—Uh!"

"Krycek, you sonofabitch, what the hell was that fucking riddle?"

[hack] [gasp] "Riddle? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Those goddamn lyrics you sent me!"

[cough] "Jesus, Mulder, are you off your admittedly cute nut? I haven't sent you anything in months."

"But—Ack!"

"What, Mulder, you don't like being slammed up against your door either? Too damn bad. At least _I_ have a reason."

[various sharp breathing noises]

"Okay, okay. Sorry, Alex. Look—you mean you really didn't send it?"

"Mul-derrr!"

"Okay! Look, grab a beer and I'll show you."

[keyboard clicks]

"That?!"

"Ack! No, sorry, Krycek, that's a couple of photos from a multiple- incest case a few years ago. Must have hit the wrong command."

"Charming. You sure it isn't your baby pictures?"

"Look, I said I was sorry, okay?"

"Here we go."

"I sure didn't send this, Mulder. Song lyrics. Weird. Let's see, 'Something Fast,' by the Sisters of Mercy."

"Apparently."

"Let's see. Yadda yadda 'always confidential/and hidden,' yadda yadda 'the best of men'—what, Mulder, did you think that was addressed to you? Yadda 'I don't want to be the last.' What is this song about, anyway?"

"I have no idea, Ratboy. Don't ask me from song lyrics. I listened to the whole damn album over and over last night and still couldn't make any sense of it."

"And you thought it was from me."

"Yeah. I thought maybe it was some sort of code about my sister."

"Oh, geez. No, look, Mulder, if I knew anything about her I wouldn't play games with it.Why did you think I sent it?"

"It's signed 'Viridian5."

"And?"

"Viridian is green. So are your eyes."

"And 5, Mulder, must be your mental age."

"Or your—um—shoe size."

"Why, Fox William Mulder, I do believe you're suffering from a serious memory lapse."

"So remind me."

"I don't know if you deserve it, fibbie. You rough me up because some admirer sends you song lyrics..."

"So? Rough _me_ up; that'd show me."

"Yeah, maybe I should use this song myself, Mulder; slip you 'Something Fast' and make you beg for 'Mercy.'"

"Oooo!"

[several wet noises]

"Got a good beat; easy to fuck to; I'd give it a 10."

"Give _me_ your 10, damn it, or I'm gonna die of frustration here!"

"10? Mulder, Mulder, Mulder; you told me I only had a 5."

"A-lex!" 

* * *

Summary: M/K slash fluff snippet in the Warren Zevon series, and a late lame entry in the WLU circle thingy. My apologies, vee, but I'm utterly hopeless at songfic.   
Feedback can be sent to [email removed]   
Web Site <http://avalon.net/~nonie/slash.html>  
---


End file.
